A Dad of His Own Read online

  She wiped her eyes, saying, ‘Please don’t leave the party on our account, Julius. It’s time we left anyway. We’re going to Lucy and Colin’s.’

  ‘If you’re sure,’ he said, his hand against her back, and she felt a mad impulse to lean against him, but she straightened up sharply as if she were a shocked maiden aunt being touched by a man. ‘If you’re really all right, I expect I’ll see you there,’ he said, moving away from her, leaving her feeling bereft. ‘See you later, Freddie.’ He ruffled his hair before turning away and going back into the throng.

  Freddie was quiet as they got into the car to drive to Lucy and Colin’s. He said, ‘They asked me what I wanted, and I told them. You always say I must tell the truth, Mum, and I did. So why are you cross?’

  She took a deep breath, ‘I’m not cross, darling, but some things aren’t as easy as ordering them when you want them.’

  ‘Maybe I could have Luke, Simon and Julius, like I have three godmothers.’

  ‘Look, love, we are only here for another two weeks, so I think it best if you forget all the three men or any others we meet, for all we know they have families already or are not looking to be dads right now,’ she finished.

  Freddie said, ‘I’d still like a dad all of my very own.’

  Anna stayed silent, feeling sad and guilty, even though it was hardly her fault that Gary had died. She imagined them; this group of mates out on a stag do, and probably the worse for wear, piling into a taxi with a drunk driver. Why couldn’t they have refused to go with him? She beat down her anger, what use was that? It had happened and at least she still had part of him in Freddie, but, she realised now, it was not enough for him, however much she talked about his father, showed him photos and videos of him. As he said, he wanted a father who could play football with him, be there to laugh with. She was the only one with warm memories of Gary, for Freddie he was like Father Christmas, a lovely story but nothing tangible.

  Freddie was much loved by her and Gary’s family, his three godmothers and Anna’s friends, but he wanted a dad and she’d no idea how to find one, and his outburst tonight would surely send a message out that she and Freddie were on the hunt for a father.

  They soon arrived at Lucy and Colin’s; the front garden was festooned with strings of coloured lights over the door as well as the blue lights in a tree in the garden. Other cars were pulling up and she found a space to park. She wished they were not going now, she didn’t feel in party mood, but Benny and Freddie would be disappointed if she turned back. She must pull herself together and enjoy the party.

  She stopped the car and they both got out. Freddie, carrying the things for the night in a bag over his shoulder, slipped his hand in hers. ‘I won’t talk about dads any more, Mum, if it makes you sad. I know I have one, but I want him here, alive.’

  She hugged him, too choked to speak.

  The door was on the latch and they followed two people into the house. Benny was waiting impatiently for him in the hall and he whisked Freddie away to the playroom as soon as he stepped into the house, with Lucy calling after them that they must not be too late for bed.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind if Freddie stays up a little longer than usual, but I know I won’t get Benny to bed just yet,’ Lucy said, then pointed to a tray of drinks on the hall table and Anna helped herself to a glass of wine.

  ‘No, that’s fine, he can sleep in tomorrow,’ Anna said, relieved to spot Mattie, who was wearing her party hat. She left Lucy to welcome more guests and headed over to Mattie.

  ‘How are things, Mattie?’ she said, thinking back to her waterlogged living room.

  ‘Julius has been so helpful,’ she said. ‘He’s found someone to rip out all the carpets and such, so my poor little cottage can dry out. I’ve chosen new colours for the living room and the hall, a sort of peach colour to warm up the living room in the winter and a pale grey for the hall.’ She went on to describe her new colour scheme and how she must find curtains to go with it too. Anna listened, grateful to have something safe to talk about.

  ‘So are you still going to your friend in Spain, or must you stay to see to the decorating?’ she asked.

  ‘No, I’m going. Everard said he’d keep an eye on things for me.’

  ‘Well that’s lucky, so you’ll have a lovely time in the sun, it will do you so much good after this,’ Anna said. ‘I expect I’ll be gone when you get back.’ She felt sad at the thought, she’d grown fond of Mattie and once she and Freddie had left here she’d probably never see her again.

  As if she guessed her thoughts, Mattie said, ‘You and Freddie must come back and visit, you can stay in my spare room in my lovely newly done up cottage,’ Mattie grasped her hand. ‘Promise you will?’

  ‘We’d love to.’ She paused, wanting to ask a question that had been bothering her. ‘I’m thrilled to have been able to help out Philly and Sidney over Christmas and being here and meeting you all, but I have a feeling there’s more to it than them just being able to visit Sidney’s father, or is that just me being overdramatic?’

  Mattie took another sip of her wine, her face suddenly turning serious, making Anna feel awkward; it was really none of her business.

  She said with a false laugh, ‘Oh, don’t mind me, it’s just people keep saying how wonderful that I came and what a relief it was that Philly and Sidney were able to get away after all… I just can’t help feeling there’s another reason they are glad they’ve had a break.’ She added quickly, ‘Sorry, it’s none of my business, and I don’t want you to tell me any secrets, I just hope all is well with them.’

  Mattie seemed relieved when Julius appeared.

  ‘So, Anna, what would you be doing for New Year at home?’ he asked after he’d greeted them both.

  ‘If I’m with my brother and his family they often have a party, they’ve got children too and it’s difficult and very expensive to get babysitters for New Year’s Eve, or we stay at home in London and possibly ask friends over, or sometimes it’s just the two of us.’

  She knew she was not saying anything very interesting but she felt he was watching her, seeing her in a new light, no doubt warning himself to keep away from her in case she had a mind to snatch him to be Freddie’s father.

  Someone else came up to talk to Mattie and for a moment Anna and Julius were left alone.

  Julius turned to her and said softly, ‘Please, Anna, don’t worry about Freddie telling us he wanted a dad for Christmas. It must be so hard for you, having lost your husband like that. Children often tell the truth, and it’s better that way, we seem to lose that innocence, as we get older. Don’t imagine that any of us unattached men feel threatened by you,’ he smiled, ‘and will steer clear of you because of it.’

  ‘Thank you for being so understanding,’ she felt drawn to him though she warned herself not to over react. ‘I told Freddie to keep it to himself as I didn’t want anyone to think we were daddy hunting,’ She hoped she sounded jokey. ‘We’re only here another two weeks after all.’

  ‘Of course you are, I keep forgetting you are only here until Philly and Sidney return,’ Julius said. ‘We’ll miss you both when you’ve gone.’ He said it with a laugh as if he wasn’t being serious, but it touched her heart.

  Twenty-Six

  There was a warm informality about Lucy and Colin’s party; Anna thought that chased away any feelings of shyness or of being a stranger here among these close-knit people who lived in the embrace of the castle that coloured their lives.

  Freddie and Benny finally went to bed around 10.30 and were told if they were still awake at midnight they could come down to see in the New Year, but when Anna crept up to see them an hour later she found them both sound asleep.

  The guests kept changing, people dropping in and then leaving to go on to somewhere else and some returning again. Anna was happy to stay where she was, not that she had another invitation though Simon, out of Cathie’s earshot, asked Anna if she’d like to come on with him to an old friend’s party furt
her away.

  ‘They live a couple of miles away from here and always have a full house on New Year’s Eve,’ he said, ‘you’d be more than welcome.’ He smiled, and she thought how attractive he was with his grey-blue eyes and full mouth, and yet she suspected it was Daisy he wanted to talk about, not her. But perhaps Daisy had already fallen for someone else at the party she was going to in Scotland. She had such a romantic nature, which usually let her down in the cold light of real life. Anna glanced round the room for Cathie, surprised she hadn’t come over to keep guard on Simon, but she couldn’t see her.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, ‘but Freddie’s upstairs and I think it best that I stay in case he wakes up and causes havoc with Benny. Anyway,’ she smiled, ‘two parties a night is quite enough for me.’

  ‘New Year’s Eve here is always like this, lots of parties and celebrating and sore heads in the morning. It’s also the start of a new year of hard work at the castle and the grounds after Christmas. Of course, it’s been quite different this year, especially with all the extra work with the flood to deal with of late, not to the mention the heartache of ruined homes and shops.’

  ‘It’s been really tragic,’ Anna sighed. ‘I do hope people can rebuild their homes and businesses and get back to normal very soon.’

  ‘Julius will fight for them and he’s a tough negotiator,’ Simon said.

  ‘It will probably be a long and difficult road ahead, but it’s such a lovely community, everyone helping each other. You must like living here,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, I’ve always liked growing things. I was brought up in Norwich in a town house with window boxes,’ he grinned. ‘My father wanted me to study law like him, but I went to Cirencester instead and studied land management and finally ended up here and I love it. I’d hate to be cooped up in an office, even when it snows and rains, I like the open air and being surrounded by nature.’

  ‘I can understand that.’ She thought how animated he became talking about his job.

  She was about to ask about Rusty and when he would be allowed to roam the grounds like Felix seemed to do when he said, ‘Does Daisy like the country?’ He dropped the question in casually while watching her carefully and Anna had the feeling that her answer was very important to him, and what could she, should she say? Daisy worked in London and was happy living there; she and Anna had grown up in Sussex and they’d gravitated to London as soon as they could make their lives there.

  ‘Yes, I’m… sure she does, she works in London though, travels about the country sometimes…’ but before she could elaborate, Julius appeared beside them.

  ‘Anna, I don’t know if anyone told you, but when we have a wedding some of us who work on the estate sort of mingle with the guests and I wondered if—’

  She interrupted him. ‘Yes, Nell has asked me already. If I can find someone to have Freddie… I will.’

  ‘I’m sure we can find someone to leave him with. It’s a treat to see the castle at its best. Those stunning rooms, the pictures and sumptuous furniture.’ He smiled encouragingly. ‘And we’d all be there, so you needn’t feel out of it, and the dress you’re wearing is perfect.’

  ‘Thank you…’ she said, somewhat taken aback by his compliment, and the warmth in his eyes as he regarded her.

  ‘You can’t go home before seeing the castle at its very best,’ Simon told her. Someone called to him and he said, ‘forgive me there’s someone I need to talk to over there.’ He smiled at her and was gone, leaving her with Julius.

  ‘We just wander about, talk among ourselves but keep an eye out at the same time,’ he explained ‘You don’t have to come, it’s not obligatory just because you’re standing in for Philly and Sidney. I just thought you might like to see the castle in all its magnificence but I quite understand if it’s difficult to leave Freddie.’

  The room was quite crowded now, causing Julius to stand closer to her and it gave her a sort of comforting yet exhilarating feeling, though of course that was probably the wine she had drunk and the general upbeat feeling of happiness of being among congenial people.

  ‘I would like to join you all at the wedding,’ she said. ‘I’ll ask Lucy if Freddie can stay here again with Benny. She’s had him so often, I feel I owe her.’

  ‘I’m sure she enjoys having him; it’s great the two have become such good mates. I hope, Anna,’ he smiled at her, ‘that despite everything, you and Freddie have been happy here. I think he’s loved it hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes he has, it’s wonderful for him to be able to run free. Living in London is a bit restricting at his age and he can’t just run outside on his own,’ she said, adding quickly, ‘but in London we have lots of friends, he’s happy at school and I enjoy my job, especially helping dyslexic children.’

  ‘Ah, that’s a wonderful job. My brother’s dyslexic, had a difficult time at school.’

  For a moment they talked about that, and Anna felt relieved to be on a safe subject and then there was a pause and Julius said, ‘I’m so sorry you lost your husband so tragically, it must have been very hard.’ He put his hand on her arm, his eyes full of concern and she was momentarily overwhelmed by being so close to him; she longed to put her head on his shoulder, feel his arms enclose her and, afraid of her emotions, roused no doubt by the warmth in the room and the crowd of people causing them to stand so close together, she took a couple of steps back to stop herself doing something mad, like lean against him.

  Seeing this, Julius moved back too and said rather brusquely, ‘Well, I’m glad you both enjoyed your time here and now it’s nearly midnight and another year gone by.’

  The huge television in the living room was turned on. It showed an excited group of people wrapped up in outdoor clothes standing by the River Thames, with Big Ben in the background counting down to midnight.

  Colin and Luke rushed round to fill glasses and then it was Happy New Year with a burst of dazzling fireworks in the London sky and everyone was hugging and kissing and wishing each other good luck for the coming year.

  Julius bent over and kissed her cheek, though she hardly felt it as he spun away, greeting others. Simon kissed her too and Luke and various other people hugged her and she felt suddenly near tears, as she often did at such a time, thinking of Gary, wishing he were here. But how would they really have weathered together? She’d never know, but she suddenly realised it was time for changes, and when better than in a New Year? Freddie was right, they needed to find him a father figure, either Robert or someone new.

  Luke came up to them. ‘You’re coming to Henry’s party aren’t you, Julius, always the place to be at the start of a New Year. Simon’s coming,’ Luke said tipsily to Julius. ‘And you, Anna, you’d be welcome to come too.’

  Anna smiled at him, ‘No, thanks, Luke, I’ve had a lovely evening and it’s time I went home.’

  Lucy, hearing the exchange, came over. ‘Do go if you want to, Anna, Freddie’s fine here with us,’ she said. Simon and Luke hovered about her to see if she could be persuaded.

  ‘That’s sweet of you,’ she said, ‘but I think it’s time I went home; it’s been a wonderful evening, Lucy, thank you so much. I’ll creep up and fetch Freddie or he’ll be up at dawn and disturb you all,’ she said.

  Lucy protested, but Anna suddenly wanted her child with her. Whenever she felt bereft without Gary, she reminded herself how lucky she was that he’d left her Freddie.

  Julius was behind her and he heard the exchange, ‘Let me fetch him for you, put him in the car,’ he said, ‘I could drop you both if you’d rather. Your car will be fine in the street until tomorrow.’

  She hadn’t drunk too much, though you could hardly drink anything today to keep within the limit, and she wondered if he had, but he seemed sober enough. She was exhausted and slightly nervous of driving the car up the hill in the dark and over the drawbridge.

  Sensing her indecision, Julius said, ‘I’m leaving anyway to go on with the others. I’ll just go and get him, carry him down, it won’t t
ake me a minute.’ And he was gone up the stairs before she could protest, Lucy saying, ‘He’s in the room with the stickers on the door.’

  Julius appeared moments later carrying Freddie wrapped in a blanket. Freddie was awake but snuggling in to Julius’s shoulder.

  Colin opened the front door for them and swept them out after Anna had made her farewells, taking the car keys from Julius’s pocket and opening the car door for them. Anna got in the back and Freddie was handed to her.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Freddie asked grumpily.

  ‘Back to the castle,’ Anna said. ‘Julius is kindly giving us a lift.’

  It did not take long to reach the castle and clatter over the drawbridge and Julius stopped outside the flat lit up by a lamp by the door. He helped Anna out and she unlocked the door as he carried a sleeping Freddie through the flat to his bedroom; he waited a moment while Anna pulled back his blankets then laid him gently in his bed.

  ‘Thank you, Julius, I felt a bit nervous driving by myself, silly really, but it is so dark compared to London.’

  ‘I’m glad to help, goodnight, Anna.’

  He bent and kissed her cheek, but somehow her lips got in the way and caught his. The kiss was warm and erotic and she felt overcome with sensation, all of the old feelings she had supressed for so long – since Gary’s death – raging through her.

  It was Julius who drew back, ‘I must go; I’ll see you tomorrow. Anna, goodnight, sleep well.’ He touched her face tenderly before turning away, going out into the dark and she heard him get into his car and drive away.

  Twenty-Seven

  Anna slept badly, the combination of good food and wine and the general revelry and the music from the previous evening now kept her awake in the silence of the flat. But far more potent than any of this was her kiss with Julius. It meant nothing, she told herself firmly, and it was New Year, when feelings and desires became exaggerated. It was a time people got caught up in the swing of it, a new year, a new start. They set themselves new sights, signed up for the gym, learnt a new language, travelled further afield, altogether set on improving themselves, perhaps also to fall in love or even end a long affair going nowhere.